Establish the need: How is your communication with your spouse? Specifically how are you with listening to your spouse?

Purpose: Today we shall look at five points to help us communicate better by being better listeners.

1. The importance of listening

2. Symptoms of listening problem

3. Reasons we are quick to talk

4. Reasons we are slow to listen

5. How to Listen Well

1. Introductory words

   1. Listening is the foundation for good communication. If one does not have listening down and only want to learn about how to talk for communication one isn’t really communicating biblically in marriage.

   2. An interesting dilemma: “Listening is one of the easiest things you’ll ever do, and one of the hardest.”[1]

   3. Thus we want to go over listening.

1. Point 1: The importance of listening

   1. Listening especially to the difficult things such as rebuke is seen as a virtue: “Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.” (Proverbs 25:12)

      1. This verse describe the situation in which there “is a wise reprover to a listening ear.” (12b)

      2. Thus this shows the virtue of a listening ear even with things that are difficult such as reproof.

      3. In such a situation this is comparable to an “an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold.” (12a)

   2. Listening is required to fulfill the God given role of a husband and wife

      1. Remember the role of a husband: “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered..” (1 Peter 3:7)

         1. A husband is to show honor to their wife.

         2. Notice he is do show honor the wife by living with her “in an understanding.”

         3. But if he does not listen to her he is not understanding.

         4. Therefore if a husband is to honor his wife this means he must listen to her.

      2. Remember the role of a wife: “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

         1. This passage states that a wife is to “respects her husband.”

         2. Not listening to someone is disrespect.

         3. Therefore if a wife is to respect her husband this means she must listen to him.

      3. God command us to listen well: “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19)

         1. Notice the command about listening: “be quick to hear.”

         2. The command about how we listen also impact how we talk: “slow to speak.”

         3. These here are commands and not suggestions.

         4. Also this command is for “everyone”

2. Point 2: Symptoms of listening problem

   1. Ask yourself these questions:

      1. Do you not concentrating nor listen carefully what the other person is saying.

      2. Do you interrupt?

      3. Do you formulate what you want to say next while the other person is talking?

      4. Do you tune out the person completely?

      5. Are you easily distracted from not listening to the other persons?

      6. Do you talk and change subject so fast before your spouse is able to give any input in the conversation?

   2. Ask your spouse:

      1. Use the questions above and ask your spouse if these symptoms are true with you.

      2. On a scale of 1-10 how would you grade yourself on how you listen to your spouse. Write it down on a piece of paper.

      3. On a scale of 1-10 have your spouse grade you.

      4. Compare the results. Discuss about the symptoms of not listening.

3. Point 3: Reasons we are quick to talk

   1. “Because we believe that only we could have anything valuable to say” [2]

      1. But this is not very loving.

      2. This is also an issue of pride: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)

         1. Note we are to “regard one another as more important than yourselves”

         2. This of course requires “humility of mind.”

   2. “Because we simply like to hear ourselves talks” [3]

      1. Again the issue is pride.

      2. But consider this Scripture: “A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind.” (Proverbs 18:2)àDesiring only to reveal one’s mind is foolishness in God’s eyes!

      3. We often think we look good or sound very wise the more we talk. But also consider this verse: “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.” (Proverbs 17:28)

   3. “Because we are desperately trying to get our own way or be proven right.” [4]

      1. Again the is often pride.

      2. Even if you are right you must be gracious in demonstrating your point.

4. Point 4: Reasons we are slow to listen

   1. Reason 1: We jump to conclusion.

   2. Reason 2: We don’t like the conclusion where the conversation is heading.

   3. Reason 3: We think we know what the person is going to say already.

   4. But consider this Scripture: “He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.” (Proverbs 18:13)àThis is foolishness in God’s eyes!

5. Point 5: How to Listen Well

   1. Listening well involves: [5]

      1. Concentrating on and carefully considering what the other person is saying.

      2. Not interrupting.

      3. Not formulating what you are going to say while the other person is talking.

      4. You ask questions for clarification if you do not understand.

   2. For men: Be careful of “man fog” where the man has cloud over his head and does not hear what his wife is saying; at times a husband can even nod and say yes but then the wife notices he’s not really listening and she responds.[6]

   3. Meditate on the Gospel for help in listening well!

      1. Listen as an act of loving your spouse. But love your spouse in light of how much Christ has loved you: “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

      2. Listen requires putting away pride and cultivating humility. Dwell on how Christ has humbled Himself to save you: “Have this attitude [e]in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be [f]grasped, 7 but [g]emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men..” (Philippians 2:5-7)

[1] Source: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/six-lessons-in-good-listening.

[2] The reason quoted are from Stuart Scott, Communication and Conflict Resolution (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, Inc, 2005), 4.  Further discussions and additional point are my own.

[3] The reason quoted are from Stuart Scott, Communication and Conflict Resolution (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, Inc, 2005), 4.  Further discussions and additional point are my own.

[4] The reason quoted are from Stuart Scott, Communication and Conflict Resolution (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, Inc, 2005), 4.  Further discussions and additional point are my own.

[5] Modified with rewording from Stuart Scott, Communication and Conflict Resolution (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, Inc, 2005), 4-5.

[6] Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed, 1985), 70-71.